Phrases like “I’m the man” or “you’re being too sensitive” echo through many relationships even in modern dating, revealing unspoken power dynamics rooted in traditional gender roles. Despite claims of valuing independence, many partners, especially men, exhibit controlling behaviors.
I have dated several men who often said that they valued my independence, ideas, or my identity in the past. But if that were the absolute truth, then why did they always seek the opportunity to control me? I believe the answer lies in how we perceive gender roles in this patriarchal and heteronormative society.
Patriarchy has existed for thousands of years, as its origins date back to 8000 – 3000 BC. Early societal structures established male dominance through laws, religion, and cultural narratives that influenced us. People enact gender roles as they enact specific roles, such as parent, employee, eldest daughter, caretaker, and so on. Gender role beliefs develop from observing the behaviors of women and men, leading to the assumption that each gender has inherent traits suited for their typical roles. These traits are reflected in widely accepted beliefs, known as gender stereotypes. Then, societies mold individuals through socialization to fit traditional family and work roles.
Gender role beliefs can generally be categorized into agentic and communal dimensions. Men are typically seen as more agentic, meaning they are perceived as assertive, competitive, and dominant. Women are usually viewed as more communal, characterized by being friendly, selfless, caring, and emotionally expressive. These qualities align with Parsons and Bales’ earlier terms of instrumental (task-oriented) for men and expressive (socioemotional) for women. These stereotypes form the basis of traditional gender roles.
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Therefore, the basis of traditional gender roles affects the psychological well-being of both men and women up until the present. Usually, men often feel pressured to assert dominance, while women may struggle with the expectation to comply, leading to cognitive dissonance when actions contradict stated values. For instance, many men who claim to value their partner’s independence still seek to control them, revealing the deep-seated nature of these norms.
But, how do gender roles really influence our behavior daily? Shared beliefs and values come hand in hand with factors like family relations and occupation. As an example, women are likely to become the primary caretakers of the family because they are taught to be sensitive, soft-spoken, and attribute many other aspects that are deemed feminine in this society. But, that is because they are expected to do so. They are subjected to male dominance because they have to do it as a means of survival. Through these expectations, we unconsciously internalize that these roles are innate and normal.
Beyond gender roles, consider Hegel’s Slave-Master Dialectic. Here, the man acts as the dominant “master” dictating rules, while the woman is expected to submit like a “slave.” However, unlike Hegel’s theory (where the slave can rebel), Simone de Beauvoir criticizes Hegel in her book “The Second Sex.” While she agrees on gender conflict, she argues women lacked the historical means to fight back (dispersed and economically reliant on men). Their oppression is rooted in social structures like family, preventing them from entering the master-slave dynamic.
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Beauvoir argues women are the “Absolute Other,” defined by men, unlike the “slave”. Thus, Hegel’s framework fails to capture women’s oppression. This dynamic played out in my own dating experiences. Despite claims of valuing my independence, the men I dated ultimately sought control, likely due to their insecurities and need for dominance.
My dating history reveals a disturbing pattern: manipulation through depression threats, control disguised as age difference, and hidden bigotry beneath a promising facade. While I acknowledge my own flaws, these experiences expose the deep cracks in societal expectations around gender roles within heteronormative relationships. These are not isolated incidents. Societal pressure to conform to traditional gender roles and beliefs, fueled by a capitalist system that thrives on a clear division of labor, fuels these dynamics. Women are expected to manage the home, while men secure the income, which is common knowledge. This forms into the basis of dominance, adding another layer to the already heavy expectations placed on both partners.
Equality is a shared goal, but wanting it isn’t enough. We (women & marginalized groups) face an uphill battle due to intersecting inequalities. We must actively dismantle harmful expectations: challenging media portrayals, advocating for family-friendly policies, and calling out controlling behavior. These battles aren’t new, but men especially need to engage in unlearning traditional gender roles.
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Sadly, because of their immense privilege in this god forsaken society, they tend to be too comfortable in their position. Therefore, making them not want to do anything necessary or anything “too extreme” on their part. One of my exes said that the struggle for equality and empowerment is too difficult to fight for, as if he was insinuating that no matter what we do would be meaningless and tiring, but what is liberation if not fought for? He clearly said so because men have higher privileges than most people of other backgrounds. If the past wasn’t like it was, we wouldn’t have to struggle, but the reality is the opposite. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live in a utopian and just society.
This resistance to change reminds me of a caterpillar clinging to its comfortable cocoon. While staying put feels safe, true transformation requires embracing the discomfort of metamorphosis. We need to be ready to be uncomfortable when facing the truth, especially when challenging systemic norms. To learn and grow, we must be willing to shed the limitations of the past and emerge as something stronger and more equitable. However, more questions need to be asked; Do the men want to learn? Do they want to challenge the old norms to make society anew? Are they ready to forsake their position, to be stripped off of their privileges?
